River
by tonightweareyoung
Summary: 'She glided around in endless circles, always turning at the same points, gaining speed and slowing down at the same points. It would always be a never-ending sequence until she stopped.' Rachel Berry makes a mistake she can never fix. Songfic to River.


**A/N:** It's your choice whether or not you want to listen to River (Glee Cast Version) while reading this. I don't own Glee.

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><p><em><strong>It's coming on Christmas<strong>_

_**They're cutting down trees**_

_**They're putting up reindeer**_

_**And singing songs of joy and peace**_

She was light and graceful, legs flashing back and forth flawlessly as she skated. The outdoor ice rink was absolutely freezing, the ice-cold December air seeping into her thin jacket and leggings. It was also empty, everything silent besides the crisp, steady sound of skates scraping the ice as she circled around the rink.

_**Oh, I wish I had a river**_

_**I could skate away on.**_

She hadn't meant to hurt him. She really hadn't.

But under the influence of just a little more alcohol than she should've had in the first place, she had met Noah at the local bar to "talk". At least, that was what he said.

In the end, he'd gotten three more wine coolers into her, and she had completely lost all inhibitions. He just seemed so understanding, listening and nodding at her, smiling at her with those earnest eyes as she told him all the troubles she and Finn were going through.

He was just spending so much time with Quinn lately. He said it was for a Glee assignment, but no assignment should take every day after school for two hours. And they never went to the choir room, they practiced backstage at the auditorium, where they were hidden.

_**But it don't snow here**_

_**It stays pretty green**_

_**I'm gonna make a lot of money**_

_**And then I'm gonna quit this crazy scene.**_

She was just so stressed. Senior year was overloading her with homework and tests, Glee Club was being torn apart with the Troubletones and New Directions clashing, and when she had asked Finn about Quinn, he'd only given her a "I don't know what you're talking about" and hurried away.

Without warning, Noah had leaned in and kissed her, stopping her rambling. It was somewhat messy, all tongues and teeth, and his hands were just going _everywhere_ and it felt so good. Her knees were weak and she fell against him, not strong enough to try and push him away.

_**Oh, I wish I had a river**_

_**I could skate away on.**_

When she woke up, she was in Noah's bed, naked. He was still sleeping, eyes closed, dreaming of somewhere troubles didn't exist.

She left quickly, finding her clothes, grabbing her jacket and hurrying out the door. She didn't want to disturb Noah. He was still unaware of the consequences he'd have to face when he woke up.

_**I wish I had a river so long**_

_**I would teach my feet how to fly**_

_**Oh, I wish I had a river**_

_**I could skate away on.**_

She'd first suspected when she missed her period. Then she'd woken up one morning and immediately run to the toilet, just in time to throw up.

Then Rachel took the test; saw the markings on the white plastic stick. With that, all her hopes and dreams disappeared, a flame extinguished in a moment. It wasn't just her anymore. From now on, she was giving up everything to take care of the little person inside her.

Her tears had streaked down her face, dripping onto the counter below her as she stared at herself in shame. Her whole life, she'd been so smart, keeping herself safe and making sure she had a thousand dreams to pursue in case another one didn't work out.

Now that was gone.

Her dads had cried. They had been disappointed, but seeing really how small and fragile their daughter was, they promised to support her in whatever way she needed.

She didn't even speak to Puck, but one look at him and he realized.

It took her two weeks to figure out how to tell Finn. She'd written out page after page, trying hard to find the right way to say it. She considered sleeping with him and then telling him, pretending it was his, but after what happened with Quinn two years ago, she figured a lie would end horribly.

"Finn, you need to know, I love you. And I regret this, so_, so_ much."

_**I made my baby cry.**_

He left her that day, rare tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. This was the second time his best friend had gotten his girlfriend pregnant, and this time it wasn't just Puck's fault.

Rachel sobbed her heart out at home that night, letting everything pour out in one big waterfall of emotion. She cried until she couldn't cry anymore, until all that came out of her were ragged, raw breaths.

_**He tried hard to help me**_

_**You know he put me at ease**_

_**He loved me so naughty**_

_**Made me weak at the knees **_

_**Oh, I wish I had a river**_

_**I could skate away on**_.

Finn had been so good to her, making a good effort to help her with homework, always being her duet partner, pleasuring her when they kissed. He had loved her like he hadn't loved anyone else. And now she had gone and ruined their relationship—not to mention her own body—by getting recklessly drunk and allowing Puck to bring her home.

_**I'm so hard to handle**_

_**I'm selfish, I'm sad.**_

_**Now I've gone and lost the best baby**_

_**That I ever had.**_

_**Oh, I wish I had a river**_

_**I could skate away on.**_

Now Rachel continued circling the ice, easily crossing one skate over the other as she turned. Her coat hid her stomach, which was beginning to protrude. She wouldn't be skating here much longer.

_**I wish I had a river so long**_

_**I would teach my feet how to fly.**_

_**Oh, I wish I had a river**_

_**I could skate away on.**_

It was silent and lonely at the rink. Rachel hadn't invited anyone to skate with her. She glided around in endless circles, always turning at the same points, gaining speed and slowing down at the same points. It would always be a never-ending sequence until she stopped.

_**I made my baby say "Goodbye"**_

Her skates screeched her to a stop, suddenly and quickly. Rachel, caught off guard by her own actions, immediately wobbled and tipped over, hitting the ice hard on her side with a wordless cry.

Tears stung her eyes as pain jolted her body. She lay there for a moment, wondering if anyone was going to come help her. Then Rachel remembered she was alone, and with shaky arms and legs, she slowly pushed herself up to a standing position, using the side boards as support.

_**It's coming on Christmas**_

_**They're cutting down trees.**_

_**They're putting up reindeer**_

_**And singing songs of joy and peace.**_

_**I wish I had a river**_

_**I could skate away on.**_

With a deep breath, Rachel took her hand off the board and continued to circle.

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><p><strong>AN**: Thanks for reading, please review if you've got time.

xx


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